After repeated violations of the NYCMBL rules, the Mud Hens have been placed on double secret probation.
After repeated violations of the NYCMBL rules, the Mud Hens have been placed on double secret probation.
"Hot Dog Donnybrook" leaves Hens in hot water
8/17/2009

by Eric Stratton

After several incidents, multiple complaints and countless demerits, The NYC Mud Hens have been placed on double secret probation for the remainder of the 2009 season, say sources close to the New York City Metro Baseball League Offices.

The ruling was handed down during an NYCMBL executive session hastily called on Friday morning, apparently in response to an incident that occurred at roughly 11:30 p.m. on Thursday night outside the Papaya Dog eatery located in the West Village. While details of the incident have not been made public, it has been widely reported that a handful of Mud Hens players including catcher Kevin Scheitrum and first baseman Edwin Suarez became involved in an altercation that inadvertently set NYCMBL relations with the sovereign nation of Guyana back several decades.

“We’re not prepared to comment on the nature of the offense,” says the league’s dean of players, Kenric Wormer. ‘Suffice it to say, some egregious errors in judgment have occurred.”

According to league bylaws, any team that is cited for a rules infraction while on double-secret probation immediately forfeits their spot in the league next season.

The Mud Hens—the first team in the history of the league to be placed under such strict sanctions, have been something of a misfit crew since joining the league in February. According to Wormer, this week’s incident is just the latest in what has become an epidemic of bad behavior.

“I've got their disciplinary files right here,” he says. “Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the Elmjack dugouts? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the All-Star game after-party? . . and most recently of all, a "Pour House Dance Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.”

While the majority of Mud Hens players have accepted the ruling, vowing to stay on the straight and narrow, others, such as Scheitrum have taken umbrage with the league’s ruling and vow to appeal the decision.

“We could [appeal] using conventional means,” says the catcher. ‘But that could take years, cost millions of lives. I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.”

Hens’ pitcher Brian Kelley echoed Scheitrum’s sentiments while finishing the backstop’s sentence, adding, “We’re just the guys to do it.”