The PCI Trojans hit the ice last night determined to make a statement… and apparently that statement was: “We love the penalty box more than the goal crease.”

 

For two full periods, the Trojans spent more time gliding toward their favorite Plexiglas prison than the opposing net, turning the penalty box into a sort of revolving-door VIP lounge. Fans started wondering if they were watching a hockey game or a new musical called “Open the Door”. But then came the third period -  specifically, a three-minute stretch that looked like someone slammed the “Turbo Mode” button. Suddenly the Trojans rattled off three goals in three minutes, sending their bench into complete cartoon chaos. Coaches Rosset and Plett were waving clipboards like airport runway marshals, Plett followed up by doing interpretive fist-pumps, and someone (not to mention any names – cough cough Carter) at the end of the bench may or may not have attempted a celebratory moonwalk on the ice.

 

Leading the charge was none other than Luan VanWyk, who has apparently unlocked new levels of hockey enlightenment through his highly unconventional training regimen at the local gas station. Rumor has it he’s been practicing wrist shots between fuel pumps, doing agility drills around windshield squeegees, and perfecting his slapshot by firing pucks at the carwash sign. Whatever he’s doing, it’s working.

 

Ultimately, the Trojans fell just one goal short, but don’t let the scoreboard fool you - this is a team with all the ingredients to absolutely dominate the second half of the season. If they can spend a little less time in the penalty box and a little more time near the actual net, the rest of the league might want to start filling up on gas-station-style inspiration too.

 

Hockey coaches Kevin Plett and Carter Parynuik tried so hard to stay focused on game day, but it turns out sharing the same birthday is distracting enough - and sharing it near game day is basically a write-off.

 

The Trojans were battling on the ice, but the real battle on the bench was Kevin and Carter trying not to drift into daydreams about their Katy Perry–themed birthday after-party , “ROAR.” Every time the ref blew the whistle, they both perked up like, “Is it party time? No? Still the game? Right. Yes. Back to coaching.”

 

Players swear they heard the coaches absentmindedly humming “Firework” during line changes. At one point Carter drew up a play on the whiteboard that suspiciously resembled a giant glittery tiger. Kevin spent a solid 30 seconds staring into space, later admitting he was mentally ranking which coach would look best dressed as Left Shark.

 

Sorry, Trojans—adults only. Maybe bring some water for the coaches at the morning practice.