So the wedding by the lake went off in fairy tale style. The bride looked lovely in white satin and Jay was clad in white polyester and Moses sandals. Gone were the days of Dalum dominating the hors devoures table. Absent was the onmipresent flakes of Copenhagen floating in the puch bowl. Not to be seen was Schmitty dropping trow on the dance floor and incessantly pestering everyone who may have some vague connection to Hopkins High School. Also missing was the almost inevitable confusion and embarrassment when Courtney and Broxey show up wearing the same wedding cap. In other words any chance for error was systematically eliminated by pretending, just for one day, that the Millers did'nt exist. Nice work guys, you pulled it off. I, however, prefer to live in a world where the team matters more than the individual. A world where the Copenhagen and Beer flow like wine. A world where telling the same story for the 40th time draws even bigger laughs than it did the first couple of dozen, a world where sitting bare butted on the wedding cake is not only a great idea but considered proper etiquette.
So you can choose the safe way. You can live like your precious memories should not recieve so much as a smudge. You can take the well worn trail in hopes of avoiding all trouble. I, my friend, refuse to live like that, I my friend will take the path less traveled.
Ryan Dalum unfortunately did not win in his bid for best supporting actor for his widely acclaimed role as the Joker in "The Dark Knight". Brian Seesz, however, did win for best make-up effects for body painting Dalum several times in prior years in preparation for this role.
Young second sacker Jake Waldman was nominated yet failed to win for his role as Waldo in the Pixar animated adventure "Wall-Do", depicting a young ball-playing robot who finds love and employment while roaming the halls of Concordia University.
Dave Bigham was nominated as well for his role in the hit "Twilight" about a pitcher who is believed to be a vampire because no-one has ever seen him at the ballpark until after dark.
Several Millers including Joe Shallenberger, Joe Abellera, Derek Mason and Scott Coolong won supporting cast honors for "Burn After Reading", a true life portrayal of lovesick ballplayers who make a pact to burn all their love notes before they fall into the hands of their evil teammates.
Mark Young and Ryan Dalum won the dual award for their work in the classic "Gran Tostitos" in which they stand by the food table at every Miller party ladling cold melted cheese on stale doritos and hotdog buns in an attempt to raise their collective colesteral levels to four digits. Dalum was quoted while shoveling the last "ole" from a six-pack and a pound in his jowls "there has never been a role more suited for an actor than this one. It was almost like I was cheating".
Ross Roehl wins comeback actor of the year for "The Wrestler" a stunning portrayal of a down and out bullpen catcher who finds vindication and redemption when he dons a sumo wrestling suit, throws down a twelve pack and takes on all-comers nightly at the seventh inning stretch of Miller games.
Tensions are running high as several Millers await oscar night and their turn on the red carpet. The following is a look at several Miller veterans and their cinematic accomplishments this year:
THE READER
This movie chronicles the career of baserunning genius Mike Berset, explaining how Mike's ability to read every pitchers move has contributed to his uncanny baserunning prowess. It begins with a young Mike acquiring and honing his basepath skills at Spring Hill Park before heading north to UMD and then back home again to run for the hometown Millers. In one of the films heavier moments Mike depicts a low point in his basepath odyssey when coach Hanna refers to him as "the dumbest person on the face of the Earth" after being picked off at two for the final out. However, Mikes cunning and ability to read every move win out in the long run in this epic saga of failure and redemption.
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Closer Geoff Bray receives his first nomination in a film that shows the path of a young real estate salesman as he cajoles and entices everyone in his path that may be looking to acquire shelter. The film follows Bray through the slums of Carver, New Hope and Mound as we witness his meteoric rise through the greater Twin Cities real estate hierarchy. Geoff suffers the loss of an initial love interest (Shallenberger) only to find happiness and engagement with a volleyball coach (Lucia) in this tear jerking drama.
THE CURIOUS CASE OF BRANDON BROXEY
The title says it all in this classic as our protagonist throws everybody for a loop when he announces he is to be married (to a woman). After years of bucket hats, trendy footwear, ultra tight t-shirts and limitless flair This film once again confirms that you cannot indeed judge a book by it's cover. In one of the more poignant scenes Steve Schmitz and Brian Seesz come to blows while dividing Broxeys old wardrobe while a remorseful and melancholly Brandon looks on from afar. This film proves to be a sexual identity/gender bender with sass.
SILK
This film follows the career of silky smooth righthander CJ Woodrow. In a classic double entendre not only is CJ silky smooth on the mound but he sometimes smuggles silky feminine attire to the yard in the sleeves of his warmups. This movie contains mature subject matter and parental discretion is advised.
More nominations to follow:
The only lead thus far is a postcard circulating around the Riverview League showing a man of Shallenbergers approximate stature mumbling through a corn field with a good looking cowgirl. If you have any information regarding the viability of this photo and it's subjects please contact Veterans Field administration immediately.
This improbable Miller Title might never of happened without the dogged determination of over half of the Miller contingent who begged, pleaded, and cojoled Schmitz to rise to the occasion and summon the inner commitment to not only rally the crew at the Commander but rise up in the face of adversity the likes of which most of us will never see and spark the team to the ultimate title. Props to our own Tony Richards who's long snapping was unparalled on the "Big Stage".
On a side note Schmitz was also mobbed and slathered with Mich Golden after successfully chiping a golf ball off Richards forehead and into the 3 ft. trash can. You Go Boy.
The weary warriors left the clubhouse Sunday morning with the smell of stale, beer soaked t-shirts eminating from each individual duffel bag. To some its odor was foul; to others it smelled of victory. I for one would like to congratulate each man for his contributions to this epic victory. Schmitz: what more can we say; we have stared imortality in the face and can only consider ourselves fortunate to have been there when you re-wrote history. You, my friend, have no equal.
Other highlights include Hoy/Young and Geothke Sr. taking home the golf title.
Hoy and Young the pool title and Shallenberger and Richards the shuffleboard title. Recognition to Jerrod for best tamborine and Schmitz for most colorful cowbell effects. Steve-O hit .956 for the weekend in inaccuracy predicting if errant t-shots were indeed findable or not and also set the Western European record for times caught fast asleep sitting in a chair on Saturday night.
More to come including Miller matching and trivia this week.
Shortstop Joe Shallenberger had been living on borrowed time for the better part of a year. Everyone saw it coming; from the pet names, to the sock hops, to the apathy for all things manly, to the catered events, to the inevitable statisical decline, I think we all knew it was only a matter of time before Shally would join the legions of Miller youngsters that have turned the last two seasons into a headlong plunge into the pool of love.
Something changed in Shallenberger ever since opening day 2007 at Delano Athletic Park when Shally's now pledged Katie tested the limit of over dressing for an event by arriving at the A's ballpark accompanied by several friends dressed in heels and red carpet attire. Shallenberger booted several balls that evening and all the team could do was to stare on in disbelief. Since that time the team has felt the distancing of Shallenberger in matters of team bonding. "We used to be so close", mumbled an obviously distraught Geoff Bray while fumbling with his blackberry, "When I beat him to the engagement punch, in retrospect I was being selfish, but now I've lost him forever".
Shallenberger becomes another in the long line of Millers to out kick his coverage in terms of his female companion. Ray Guy and Reggie Roby have nothing on the Miller contingent in the art of going so far beyond what was deemed capable for them that it would make almost anything look possible. I can only imagine what other betrothals will follow in the wake of this announcement but if I know anything about this ballclub this will serve as a sort of competitive dare to all others looking for the security of matrimony.
Good luck to Joe and Katie (Shally and Snoopy)
Team will honor three new inductees from 2007
The Millers will honor Tony Richards, Mitch Swaggert and Dave Bigham as the most recent class of Hall of Fame inductees on Thursday June 17 at Veterans field before and during that evenings tilt with the Dundas Dukes. Gametime is scheduled for 7:30.
All former Millers are encouraged to attend and current HOF members from inductions in 2002,1997, and 1992 are to be honored as well.
We will be grillin and chillin for all who wish to attend.
See you there!
ADDISON JEAN ECKHOFF IS BORN JUNE 17TH
Katie Eckhoff gave birth to a 7 lb. 5 oz healthy girl on Tuesday at Methodist Hospital. Rumors have it that the child grunted while swinging the umbilical cord wildly upon entering the world.
Eck follows in the heralded Miller tradition of Hoy, Richards & Goldsworthy of not being able to produce a male progeny. The two options are to keep trying (ala Richards) to prove your manhood only to add to your female brood, or to accept the inevitable and embrace soccer, tap dance, and training bras for years to come. Good for you Eck!
See you there!
