Young Miller Pitching Phenom Causes Many to Celebrate
Marilyn Noguay could not be reached for comment in the aftermath of the Friday's news of the Bray-Lucia engagement presumably resting comfortably after what has been conjectured to be the most storied diamond hunt of all time. A spokesman for Marilyn said she will take at least a month off at an undisclosed location for mental and physical recuperation in the wake of the the most trying sale of her career.
For months now the bright futured Miller pitcher has been prodding, goading and providing nothing but mental anguish to every member of Marilyn's staff in order to find the most perfect three stone, pear shaped, diamond cut engagment setting that South Africa could muster. Apparently on Thursday of last week an impish mine worker in Johannesburg came upon the stone that would set not only Marilyn but the entire diamond commodity sector of Central South Africa free. Reverend Mobutu declared a national holiday in South Africa and the unnamed worker was given the key to the city and wisked away on elephant back to a mountainside retreat for a weekend of feasting and revelry.
Rumors are that young Geoff had gotten cold feet as of late until the almost uncanny, visionistic performance by his now committed Jessica in last weeks battle of Disney Scene IT sealed the deal. Since then Bray has stepped up the pressure on the entire South African diamond commodities sector to a point that no man or child laborer could sleep for fear of the wrath of Noguay.
We would like to thank local Johannesburg diamond mining union for their committed efforts in bringing this diamond home and securing for at least one Miller that the " Summer of Love " is indeed now running a sequel. Rest well my little African friends as a couple of infielders, a pitcher and and a catcher to be named later will no doubt soon have you back into high gear.
Excuses Abound as Tournament Officials Look Into Tampering Charges
If Millers infielder Ryan Dalum would have it his way he'd rather be known for his prowess with the pole and the rifle than at the ball yard. Each summer for a few precious weeks the dugout abounds with legendary tales of bravado in the annals of man versus critter lore. When Miller veteran Ryan Dalum retells these hallowed yarns of falls past the team generally listens with reverant respect, bordering on awe, reserved for only the truly accomplished outdoorsmen. Never has anyone constructed a deer stand better, felled as many teal with a single shell, or found the secret spot on every lake in Minnesota more often than the Millers second sacker. To this point there has been little question among the Miller faithful that young Ryan has caught or shot the biggest and the most of practically every species of wildlife in the Northern United States. This weekend, however, has left most of Minnetonka wondering if they share a commonality with the town of Mudville. The Big crappie tournamnet held annually on Lake Minnetonka was supossed to be Dalum's moment to shine; his opus so to speak. However, after a pre-fish night of posturing and boasting, Dalums was left holding an empty chum bucket at the end of the festivities.
More concerning than the lack of fish on Dalum's string at the end of the tourney was the fact that excuses were flying faster than Steve Schmitz on Red Bull. The water was too choppy, the sun refused to shine, everone stole my good spots and the always classic: an otter was at my hole scaring all the fish away. I'm sorry, but this is like Michael Jordan losing a game and claiming his shoe was untied and the other team kept moving the basket. We just expected so much more.
In a related matter that truly begs a great deal of concern both from an emotional and legal standpoint; the unconfirmed rumor is that the Miller infielder was seen excitedly stuffing what appeared to be several of his state championship medals down the gullet of a small sunfish in an attempt to salvage some dignity in the moments just prior to the weigh in. This of course, if coraborated, could herald the onset of a sad and possibly final chapter in what seemed to be a storybook-like career of killing things.
Say it aint so Ryan
NO SIGN OF SHALLENBERGER AS OPENER APPROACHES
High school bombing suspect raises suspicion by using star's name
Where is Joe Shallenberger? The Millers team and brain trust, the young man's family, and most intriguingly the federal authorities have all posed this question over the last month with increasingly greater degrees of concern. Shallenberger has seemingly dropped out of public sight in recent weeks as more and more pointed questions begin to be asked about the well being of the Miller shortstop. The young man has not made an appearance at a Miller practice or other team or family related function for over six weeks, although in Osama Bin Ladin-like fashion he has left voice mails and e-mails claiming to be in good health. Some have said that they have seen the young infielder squiring his young lady around town, but none of these sightings have been forensically confirmed. This leads many to believe that Shallenberger may be using body doubles in a blatant attempt to avoid detection. The fact that the few who have reported seeing Shallenberger have described a suspect of considerably heavier stature than we would expect, leads most to believe that we have been subject to a ruse of epic proportions perpetrated by a desperate individual.
Most concerning to the Federal Government is the fact that the high school bombing suspect from South Carolina has chosen to use Shallenberger's name. Although Shallenberger has not been directly linked to this youth or any faction from which this abomination might recieve support or funding, there are obviously some stunning correlations which need to be addressed.
Team members have run the emotional gamut with regards to the former state MVP's well being over the last several weeks, ranging from interest, to concern, to flat out disbelief. A noticably shaken Corey Eckhoff (teammate and former NDSU star) stated in a quivering voice on a live feed from from Velocity Sports Fitness, " We just want you back man. Whatever it is, we got your back. We even have some really big pants if that will make you more comfortable. Think of all the young kids that look to you for reason just to make it through the day." Then in apparent shift from meloncholly to divisiveness Echoff added; "It's not all about you Salad, unhitch the leash and back away from the burrito, its time to come back and face the music."
The Shallenberger family has been issued a gag order concerning the whereabouts of their young athlete. Joe Sr. was seen throwing batting practice at Veterans on Sunday evening but convieniently left shortly after finishing his stint on the hill presumably to avoid the paparatzi crush of the post practice exodus from the Vet.
Come Back To Us Joe
Team laments decision of team spiritual leader
Some things stay the same, and unfortunately, some things change. Miller veteran jokester and self proclaimed "Happy Fun Guy" Mike Berset has seen the future, and it wears a suit. Much to dismay of fellow teammates Berset has given up the vagabond life of a pizza/used car guy to pursue the supposed greener pastures of corporate America. No more will the Millers hear incessant stories of fun and amusement from the Auto sales lunchroom and the pizza delivery stable. Much the way of the five drop aluminum bat, all good things must come to an end.
Although this new season brings fresh enthusiasm for the Miller faithful, the team itself is questioning how Berset will react to this new lifestyle and who might be heir apparent to Berset's bench persona. Some suggest that the often imatated but never entirley duplicated Berset vernacular may become a thing of the past. It's almost inconceivable in this day of random urine and stool sampling that someone could replicate the lifestyle that would lead to the uadulterated hilarity that #44 has provided for some 18 odd years.
Berset takes the 2008 field a new man with a new plan. We can only hope collectively that this new corporate image is just a phase that will go the way of the pet rock and lower back tattos. We need you back in sweats and ball caps Mike. Can't you see that progress is'nt always measured by the size of your wallet. Sometimes you need to be there for others first and put your own petty career aspirations aside for the greater good.
From all the Millers, Good Luck Mike. United Healthcare's gain is Minnetonka's loss.
Squad Fears the Worst as 08 Campaign Prepares to Open
In almost tabloidesque circumstances star infielder Joe Shallenberger has not been seen or heard from by teammates for weeks as speculation to his whereabouts and well being are now under heavy scrutiny. The Miller All-star shortstop has shunned phone calls, missed the first handful of practices and declared himself (through insiders) unfit for the spring All-Star trip to Indiana with the Blizzard.
Rumors abound as to the fact that Shallenberger has spent the off-season gorging himself on love and cheeseburgers, and now finds himself ashamedly incapable both mentally and physically for another run for the Millers. A source close to the Miller standout relayed the information that Shallenberger missed the practices due to several nights of performing household duties common usually to the fairer sex. The Blizzard trip was cancelled due to a planned celebration of a job promotion (not his but his love interests). Geoff Bray, former roommate commented recently that Shallenberger "seems to have been smitten like a young schoolgirl with the high school football star." To make matters worse, many insiders claim that Shallenberger seems to have lost touch with his waistline now that new female interests are out of the question. The Millers front office in an effort to arouse the interest of the young infielder have gone on E-Bay looking for some Prince Fielder-like Ghetto drawers with large bloomer-like legs and a draw string waist. If this ploy doesn't intice Shallenberger all may be lost for the upcoming campaign. Millers captian Tony Richards was quoted as saying, "I saw him at the Mall of America eating a chimichanga and chasing it down with with a sabarro slice. I think we may have to move him to first."
Stay tuned as this saga may take a few twists and turns over the next few weeks.
In a scene reminicient of English soccer hooligans piling themselves against a chain link wall in an effort to reach the Chelsea pitch, the yet to be married Miller players have hit high gear in the battle to secure commitments of betrothal from any and all currently affiliated females.
As if early season interuptions from Goethke and Eckhoff where not enough in 2007, it seems as though 2008 and 2009 might offer even greater challenges to the schedule, and frankly manhood alone. After hearing of several inpending engagements, Urbie, determined not to be Kurtz'st again, woke up at three AM and called Earle Brown Bowl in a moment of sheer terror and moved his wedding up four months. This move threw down the gaunlet, and provided a western gunslinger-like challenge to all the other love struck puppies that claim to call baseball their "passion".
Rumor has it that Marilyn Noguay has not had a good night sleep in weeks after closer Geoff Bray obtained her number and proceeded to begin a relentless nightly phone and text attack designed to weaken her negotiation skills to the point where a three karat triple pear shaped setting would become affordable for the young man. Upon hearing this distressing news, Shallenberger, Coolong, Abellera, Mason and Parrington have all stepped up their campaigns considerably. Broxey scheduled an impromptu tour of the Irish Isles in an attempt to hoodwink his young lass into a commitment at some level. This in a shamless attempt to administer a phychological beat down to his panicked fellow teammate suiters. Mikenas comes screaming back into the race as well after re-tooling for the stretch run. Although coach Hoy shudders at the very thought, sometimes "change is our friend".
Lost in all the excitement is our young friend Ryan. After jumping into the pool with both feet last summer and thankfully securing the "go-ahead" from 2006 fan of the year and longtime love interest Melissa Weber, young Ryan has fallen eerily silent in this team wide quest for the ultimate commitment. Ryan you are as close to victory as that snow board chick in the last Olympics before she raised her arms in triumph and wiped out, only to be overtaken by competitors from every known Slavic nation. Come on Ryan, lets close this deal before one of your teammates delivers a gut punch from which you may never truly recover.
All in all this is shaping up to be quite a battle over the next few months. I do not consider attempts at musical courtship ritual, dowery offerings, or poetic lyrical composition to be off the table for any of these combatants. Check your pride, bravado, and hankies at the door as this promises to be an unprecedented run for Miller emasculation.
Centerfielder Chris Urbain's nuptuals have been moved up from September (acceptable timeline) to May 17 much to the chagrin of his teammates and coaching staff. Urbain will become the first Miller since righthander Bryan Krull to actually force cancellation of a regularly scheduled Millers tilt due to , of all things, a wedding.
Although this seems like an entirely selfish and callous act on Urbains part, the team would still like to wish Chris and Nicole all the best in their lifetime together. Maybe someday their daughter will plan her wedding on the same night that Urbie has secured Back Street Boys Reunion Tour tickets.
I guess there are no rules anymore, anarchy reigns, and the Millers as we have known them take another inevitable step toward extinction, much like the South American dung beetle.
P.S. We are not talking about why the wedding was moved up. If anyone asks, churches and reception halls are much easier to find in May.
